Monday, September 10, 2012

Porno Pinball Christmas

We all have super memorable family holidays. On Easter mornings, my dad would calmly tell us that once again he bagged the bunny as he would point to my mom who was frying up bunny strips (bacon) on the stove. There were the Fourth of July’s when my Grandpa Joe, drunk off Jack Daniels, would light a roman candle off his cigar and point it in our direction as he yelled, “Run, you little bastards. Run”! It’s how I learned to run serpentine and treat 3rd degree burns.

Then there was Porno Pinball Christmas. 



I couldn't get a picture of this Christmas (see end of story) These are my siblings and myself. I am the adorable, glowing child, with the Dorothy Hamill haircut. Then there are my 2 brothers and my sister. My sister is at the head of the table (no, really, that's a girl).

 We all LOVED Christmas mornings. Ok, not just Christmas mornings, but the entire time leading up to Christmas morning including finding all of the gifts and trying to figure out what went to who and why. My dad decided one year that it would be awesome for us to have a real arcade pinball machine in our living room. On Christmas Eve, when all of us had gone to bed, dad set up the most fabulous.. glorious… mother fucking fantastic pinball machine EVER! My dad didn’t really think this through as my mom and dad’s bedroom was directly above the living room and my mom is a holy fucking terror if you wake her up before 9 a.m. Anyway, my brothers woke up first and discovered the pinball machine, immediately turned it on, and began playing it…. At 4 a.m. Of course my sister and I were downstairs pissing our pants and jumping up and down in less than 10 seconds of hearing the first ping of the ball. My dad was next to arrive, trying his hardest to rip the mother fucking power cord out of the fucking wall before the she devil was awaken. My dad knew at that moment that any mistake he had made in his marriage could never be outdone by this one poor error in judgement. Sure, this is the guy who got my mom a lint brush for their 10th wedding anniversary, but this was shit town baby. It was too late. She was up. She was coming down the stairs. She saw the pinball machine. My mom is silently terrifying.  What my mom saw was completely different from what we saw. We kids (kids include grown man-child called dad) saw a light filled wonderland of blinky blinkity blinks and noise. My mom saw the naked Egyptian ladies down the side panels of the machine and the light up orgy scene that distracted from the score. It was the best present EVER. It was the worst Christmas ever... for my dad.

I called my parents the other day to ask if they had any pictures of that Christmas morning. My mom was adamant that none existed and then coached my dad into the same scripted answer. If anyone knows my dad, they know that he took a fucking picture of every moment of our lives with a 35 mm camera with 6 different lenses so by the time the picture was taken we all looked like we were in pain, because we were, and wanted to shove the fucking camera up his ass even though we were saying “smile” under our breath. I know there is a picture out there somewhere. They also told me that it was not a porno pinball machine and I was probably too young to remember anyway. Too Young? Whatever! I know what I saw. I also know that shortly after that Christmas the pinball machine was moved out to the barn, only to be visited when we were waxing skis or burying a dead dog.
I also know that a button nose is super adorable on a child but not an adult.

3 comments:

  1. Good I am now able to comment, rest easy...will be following it now!

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  2. I love it! Someone as "superfun teen who was flat out borderline nuts that drove mom up a wall, dad"...except his was "trimming" the tree, quite literally, with a chainsaw so it would fit in the living room, cutting it, in the living room, then supporting up with clothesline strung from the corner of the ceiling. Or the time he built a high jump pit out furniture in the basement for my birthday, as an activity for my friends.

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