Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Suck It!

I've never thought more about becoming a prostitute than I have today.  Our septic system failed and due to our HOA rules, we cannot repair it.  Instead, the city of Tallahassee wants to hook our poop pipes up to their system for around Ten Thousand Dollars.  As if the news about our shit tank wasn't bad enough, I had to stand over a hole full of MY POOP in my front yard and talk to a kid just out of his teens about MY POOP while three irritating toddlers scream "POOP" out the window at me.  All this time a giant hose is sucking up my poop into a giant truck and I'm having images of the hose exploding and I'm drenched in my own poop and the kids think it's awesome and I kill them.  Then the poop man tells me to go inside and flush the toilet, just to make sure it's all flushed out.  So, I go inside and flush the toilet and apparently it opened the portal to hell and it overflowed and I couldn't find the plunger or a towel so basically my vision came true and I was covered in shit. 

It wouldn't be so bad if we weren't dirt poor right now. That's why the prostitution thing sounds so attractive.  I tried to save some money this week by taking our vacuum cleaner into the repair shop.  It smelled like a dead raccoon and vomit taco each time we turned it on.  Mike wanted to buy a new one but I told him it was a good vacuum and we shouldn't give up on it.   So I loaded up the kids in the car and drove them to the French Town section of Tallahassee to give my vacuum a day at the vacuum spa.  If you're not familiar with French Town, it is where you can buy crack, get a BJ by a toothless gypsy, and get your vacuum repaired.  I text my husband right away and told him how good the vacuum smelled and how it sucked real good now.  My sister reminded me that I probably should not have told him that because he would probably leave me for the vacuum.  But, I'm pretty sure the vacuum is a metaphor for me.

Dear Mike,

 Don't throw your old wife away and get a new one.  She probably just needs a day at the spa.