So, I was going through my old pictures trying to remember why on earth I would ever have done the hideous things to my hair that I did. Not only did I probably single handedly create a small ozone hole over Northern Michigan, I also left an impenetrable layer of Aqua Net on my parents bathroom floor. The thing I realized was that people must have thought I was a total fucking bitch. For real! My face was so sarcastic and snarky. The braces didn’t help and kind of added a demonic touch. I admit though that I was, in fact, a total fucking bitch in grade school.
I remember spending hours in my bedroom, curling iron plugged in, mixed tape blaring, trying to get the perfect ratio of lift and width. I would turn off the lights and light a candle completely unaware of the fire hazard perched on top of my head and I would imagine that the members of White Lion were serenading When the Children Cry to me as I made pouty faces in the mirror. Occasionally I was able to come up with a single tear which would cascade down my face trailing a black smear of mascara and pain. Oh to be a teenager again.
Moving to Florida may have been my worst hair decision to date. Maybe other parts of Florida aren’t this humid, but I live in the scrotum of Florida and it’s basically a stagnant swamp land with no breeze and 100% chance of ass hat. I fully blame the move on my now ex husband who promised we could use the AC in the house when we moved down here but then became a giant douche bag who tried to convince me that we were better off with the windows open. Do you know what kind of horrible bugs live in Florida? Really big fucking horrible bugs, that what!
There is this thing called a Palmetto Bug but let me tell you the truth:
IT IS A GIANT FUCKING COCKROACH WITH A SWITCHBLADE AND A BAD ATTITUDE.
Actual size of Palmetto Bug. Please note the terror on the T-Rex's face.
They are everywhere. They are strong. They will fight you to the death and then some. They can swim, squeeze into small places, and hotwire a car. We had a pool at my old house and while trying to cool off from the inferno of Florida, the giant bugs would fall out of the trees and try to drown me while I practice my homemade kung fu in a struggle to survive. I can only imagine how my sister, Julie, felt when that squirrel fell out the tree during an ice storm and got caught in her super curly hair It is kind of like that, but way worse because the Palmetto Bugs also poop when agitated and that shit really stinks. They don’t die either. You can poison, stomp, and puree a palmetto but and they don’t die. My friend Shea said that she dropped a phone book on one and them stomped on the phone book a bunch of times and then left it there for hours until her mom came home to dispose of the carcass. When her mom moved the phone book, that mother fucking palmetto bug scurried away…. shaking its little palmetto bug fist in the air…. vowing vengeance.
Who the fuck has a phone book anymore anyway?