Wednesday, September 12, 2012

The Great Dirty Underwear Caper

I started playing Bingo a couple of months ago with my girlfriend Jenny at the local elks lodge with all the geriatrics and compulsive gamblers.  I’m not sure if I like this so much because I’m a crazy stay at home mom, a crazy gambling addict, or both.  At any rate, it gets me out of the house for a few hours and raises my blood pressure which in turn probably raises my metabolism so it’s probably really healthy.  Bingo is the new cardio.  So, it costs a mere $12.50 to play but when your septic tank is broken and you have to shell out 10K to get your shit pipes hooked up to the city system because your home owners association is a bunch of ass clowns and your hospital bills make you scared to go to your mailbox because having to make your health insurance payment each month AND pay a hospital bill which now rivals your student loans makes you want to crawl under your desk at work and cry yourself into a coma but you can’t even do that because you no longer have a desk at work because you were laid off from the state when you were 5 months pregnant and no one would hire your ass because they knew at any moment you would be popping out a baby and even though that is against the law it happens and then because you were unemployed for awhile no one will hire you because you have a Masters in Fine Art and what the fuck is good for anyway.  Phew… 

Don’t you just love when a casual dinner with girlfriends turns into a pyramid scheme to sell used panties online to strangers with an odd fetish for dirty underwear?  I do too!  When I get together with my friends, odd thing happen and this includes last night’s dinner at Sahara (they should pay me for this because I’m totally going to boost their business). 

Meet the players

Jenny:  nurse in training and bingo enabler.
Suzanne:  crippled designer shoe addict who ironically can no longer wear shoes on her right foot.
Kelly:  lover of Oreo cookies, Kayaking, and she also once owned New Kids on the Block bed sheets.
Susan E.:  will do anything, and I mean ANYTHING, to raise money to get to Spain and lover of Diet Coke with Lime.
Heather:  snarky waitress who likes to buy things at the flea market and I’m pretty sure she would date a carny. 
Susan (me):  desperate broken septic tank owner, lover of Bingo, and hater of cats.

So, we are all sitting at the table and enjoying our food.  Heather requested no ass cheese (feta) with her meal which I think is crazy because if you’re going to eat at Sahara, you have to eat the ass cheese. By the way:  the waiter is not aware that feta is also called ass cheese which made for a very awkward silent moment when ordering. Jenny tries to strike up a conversation by asking what’s new in people’s lives.  This is what got the ball rolling.  Apparently I am not the only one desperate for large amounts of cash right now.   I know what you’re thinking:  Stop playing bingo and save the money.  Well, when you are a stay at home mom it is vitally necessary to get out of your house at least once a week so that your family isn’t discovered in shallow graves in your back yard.  Plus, Suzanne paid for dinner so, bite me.  Jenny then mentions that there are people who will pay money to buy used underwear.  Really?  Gross!  But then we all realized it was genius and very doable.  Thank you smart phones!  We all start searching the interwebs for selling used underwear and it’s not only real, it’s super popular.  Who knew? (Jenny) (perv). 

I don’t think I should put the actual websites here because they are really pornographic and I don’t want to pay any royalties to anyone.  Plus, Google has banned me from accepting advertisers because I’m already breaking the rules with my fucking potty mouth (fucking ass hats). 

Susan E. says that maybe we could just go to Walmart and buy a bunch of bulk underwear to keep cost down, but we all agree that probably not the kind of underwear people have a fetish for and after seeing the websites, I have to agree.  So I suggest that because our friend Maddi (sorry for dragging you into this Maddi) works in the lingerie department of a large department store that she must have a pile of defective underwear that they just throw away.   That way we could get the underwear for free.  Also, don't think I'm opposed to dumpster diving.  I've done it before and I'll do it again.  After further research we discover that the going price for the dirty britches is $75!  HOLY SHIT!  So, if we each wear 2 pairs per day we could be rich!  Rich I tells ya!   Heather is even down with this idea and she hasn’t worn underwear since her training pants when she was a toddler.  Kelly, the doe eyed innocent one, and probably the youngest in the group, is unwilling to sell her dirty underwear.  Jenny, even though she was the brain child of the group, won’t do it either.  Whatever Jenny, there are ways to get your undies.  I know where you live.  That leaves 4 of us willing to sell our dirty underwear to perverts all over the world.  I told them that was like 60% of the dinner party but smarty pants Kelly tries to correct me and I tell her that I’m bad at math and that’s why I’m now forced to sell my dirty underwear online.  So, Kelly gets to be the accountant. 
We were all very excited at this point and probably talking a little louder than we should have.  Suzanne is so excited that she had to take off her bionic boot that keeps her rotten foot from falling off her body because she was probably getting a little sweaty and I imagine that thing starts to itch when it gets hot.  She had been pretty quiet up to this point and then I realized that she was engrossed in her phone and probably setting up her dirty panty account right then and there.  The group somehow decides that I will be modeling the underwear but I quickly turn that idea down as I have given birth to two children in the past 3 years and I’m probably not the best candidate.   We need a model.  Let’s just say that we made a decision on who would model, but I’m not going to put her name here because she would probably kill me.   

There are a lot of other things we talked about, but they are way too graphic so I’ll just leave you with a short list of key phrases:
Ass Floss
Flavor Savor
Time of the month
Ziplock baggies
If it fits, it ships


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. OMFG I LOVE YOU i needed to laugh

  3. I never thought that I would be saying this, but I am having trouble proving that I am, in fact, not a robot. Blogger's comment verifiers are crazy!

    Anyway, This is pretty hilarious!