Ass Cats, Pterodactyls, and Furry Cocks

When one person gives you a fucking cat figurine, the rest of the world feels the obligation to give you cat figurines for the rest of your life; hence, my kitchen window and the ass cat. When Mike and I met he had 2 cats (real live cats) and I had 3. Our blended cat families made people think we were stinky cat people. The truth is: we were stinky cat people. Since that time we have given 2 cats away and one (Dicki, Mike’s prize cat and secret lover) left us for a better home down the street. At first, Mike thought Dicki was lost and he would roam our neighborhood at night, on foot and by car, yelling out Dicki’s name. I told him he had to stop because sooner or later, someone was going to call the cops and he would be arrested for solicitation. Mike eventually found Dicki living down the street and after several attempts to kidnap the cat, has given up on his beloved Dick ever coming home.  I can't say I'm not guilty of this.  When I lived with my now ex husband, the dumb ass left the sliding glass door open one night.  He wouldn't run the AC even though we live in fucking Florida. So, he would leave all the windows and door open so that the hot air, bugs, and murderers could get in. Anyway, Dicki got out and there was a thunderstorm so there I am in the rain in my underwear climbing my neighbors fence calling out DICKI.  I was probably a little drunk too. 


Anyway, back to the ass cat. It is a detailed cat figurine in a very common, but unfortunate, cat pose. My mother in law thought I would love it. She had good intentions and I have to give her credit because my ex-mother in law once sent me a used hairbrush and an uncooked loaf of banana bread for my birthday, so really, the cat was a good present. For some reason, Mike is fascinated with posing the ass cat in various positions in the kitchen window with other cat figurines. It wouldn’t be so bad if the kids didn’t ask questions.

Mike also has a toy pterodactyl (it’s not actually a pterodactyl and I keep telling his it’s a parasaurolophus but he is really fucking stupid and he also thinks pterodactyl starts with the letter T, fucking dumb ass). It’s his. Its name is Terry. He gets very mad if you touch or move his toy pterodactyl (parasaurolophus). It apparently guards our front door from intruders and is the official greeter. He makes all of the kids say goodbye to it in the morning. I thought for a long time that my 3 year old, Noah, had a speech delay, but he can say pterodactyl so whatever. He cannot, however, say four o’clock. It comes out “furry cock” which has made for some very embarrassing trips to the grocery store and my impending fear the CPS will be called on me at any time. Noah also wants to play with his brother’s orange butt hole. It took me about a week to figure out he wanted to play with the basketball.

I’m not sure how to wrap this one up so I’ll just say: If one more person gets me a fucking cat figurine, I’m dropping the two remaining live cats off at their house. The end