Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Josh Brolin and the Big Hole

One of my biggest pet peeves is people talking while I’m watching the news.  Let me refine that.  One of my biggest pet peeves is my husband talking while I try to watch the news.  If he’s not interrupting with his own commentary (because he is obviously the authority on the economic state of the country which is why we live next door to Warren Buffett) he is asking me dumb ass questions. 

I turn the news on.
Mike, “What’s going on”?
Me, “I don’t know, it just started”.
Mike, “What just happened”?

By the time we go back and forth and I explain over and over again that if he would just shut the fuck up at least one of us would know what the fuck is going on, the god damn news is over and Entertainment Tonight is on.   Oh, and even though Mike says he thinks it’s trash and bla bla bla man talk bla, he’ll still put his two cents in over the stupid names celebrities name their children* and his giant man crush on Josh Brolin. 

Mike eating Lucky Charms naked while dreaming 
of Josh Brolin as Brand Walsh in The Goonies

Sometimes I just stare at the T.V. and try to guess what the hell is going on while Mike rambles on and on which is really not an accurate way to get the latest news stories because I have a fucked up imagination.  Luckily I don’t talk to too many adults anymore because I am being held hostage by two toddlers and a herd of feral neighborhood cats.

As I sit on my broken couch drinking my lukewarm coffee and looking out my window, I notice that I am slowly being surrounded.  Mother fucking cats are fucking everywhere.  I’m not even kidding.  There has to be about 8 now that hang out at my house and I hate every single one.  I don’t know where the hell they are coming from.  But let me tell you this:  My fucking house is obviously some kind of fucking cat vortex that sucks in fucking feline pussy fucks.  Mike had a friend of his over last year to help us do some yard work.  The guy was up on our roof clearing leaves and he screams down, “You know, there is a bunch of cat shit up here?”  What the Fuck!!??  So now my house is a giant fucking litter box. 

This is just 4 of the 8 feline house assassins living in my yard
 and pooping on my house.  
If they are hard to spot it's because they are fucking cat ninjas.   

When the poop pipe guys came to install our new septic system, things with the cats got really bad.  They had to dig up the yard.  Now, this is Florida and we don’t have soil.  We have sand which and cats fucking love sand which brings me to another fucking fear of mine.  The Sink Hole.  One of those little demons is going to be digging his poop hole in my front yard and all of a sudden… BAM!  My house is gone.  I've heard about this shit happening.  The earth just opens up and swallows you and your house and everything.  It’s for real and especially in Florida because God wants everyone to die in Florida and that’s why old people and serial killers live here. 

I’m just waiting for my house to be sucked into an aquifer.  At least it would take care of the cat issue and I guess it would take care of the broken couch too.  Mike would never know what happened because he would talk over the evening news reporting from the scene and probably come to the conclusion that I ran off with his man crush, Josh Brolin.  Josh and I will live cat free and watch Entertainment Tonight in silence because I will have cut the tongue out of his pretty face.  

*(I'm talking to you, Jason Lee.  Pilot Inspektor? Might as well called the kid Platypus Vagina)


  1. Hahahaha and I actually snorted!

  2. Finally, I don't feel bad anymore about telling that joke at your baby shower all those years ago. (Well, maybe I still feel a little bad. Not a lot though, and that is progress.) Damn girl. I think I have a crush on you.